Best Things: Burgers – SAM A.M Bergen-Lafayette

OAK on Pine is now SAM A.M. Bergen – Lafayette.  I wish the biggest issue with this place was the amount of typing I have to do to mention them, or their love of underscores. Unfortunately we’ve got a bigger issue.

 Patty  

Patty type.  Single patty, not sure what the blend is, but its obviously something good. Maybe some chuck/brisket blend?  It’s also from Darke Pines, which they let you know on the menu.  I can’t tell you how unsettling the ‘E’ on the end of Darke Pines is.  I want to call them Drake Pines all the time.  Anyway, I haven’t been, but have heard good things – aside from the price point.  Yeah, I know you’re concerned about the provenance of your meat, but goddamn does your sausage need to be $13??? 

Is it cooked well?  The amount of care that went into forming this patty was admirable.  The cook who made my burger treated this thing like a classical sculpture.  A lot of attention, a lot of respect.  The outcome was a perfectly cooked, perfectly shaped burger. 

Is it seasoned?  I saw this fucker get seasoned.  I saw the salt go on it.  It looked perfectly adequate.  It needed so much more salt.  I have no idea what the fuck happened here, but I could have used a fist full of salt on this thing.  I was also hungover, so who knows – maybe this is on me?

Does the size or amount make sense? Makes sense as much as it could.  A grave injustice was beset upon the patty.  Which leads me to….

img_5965

Bun

Bun type. Its supposed to be a brioche bun.  Unfortunately, there were no buns.  That’s right, they ran out of fucking buns.  A bun, for those of you who don’t know, is made of bread.  Bread is one of the magical ingredients that can be transformed into so many other things when it goes bad.  Croutons, bread crumbs, or this week’s very special bread pudding.  Conversely, if you don’t have enough buns for the various bun-based dishes you serve, you sir are fucked.  So there’s no reason to run out of fucking buns. Ever.

I debated throwing out this review because I’ve had – and documented – a really goddamn solid burger before when it was presented in its natural state.  But I made such a big stink about not bringing my bias with me to these reviews that I’m compelled to begrudgingly submit this as their entry.

Oh, yeah, I at my burger on a rectangular loaf of ciabatta bread.

Toasted?  Yes

Is it dry?  Yes, because that’s what happens when you grill the shit out of a ciabatta.

Cheese 

Cheese type. Cheddar.  It’s fine

Is the cheese melted? Yes.

img_5966 

Toppings 

What type of shit are they putting on it?  Lettuce, tomato, onion.  You also get a little side of this vinegar based slaw, which is very good.  Not sure if that’s supposed to go on the burger, but its nice if you do decide that.  This burger was supposed to come with some condiment, I believe a chipotle aioli, but mine was naked.  After eating the burger naked it was clear that the condiment was needed because the bun, sorry, the grilled fucking ciabatta bread was dryer than [insert pussy joke].

How much shit are they putting on it?  Really hard to tell because of the bun.  I can say that I would have loved my grilled bread SLATHERED in that aioli.

Does all this shit add to the burger?  The lack of a bun is to this burger experience what Lehman Brothers was to the financial crisis.  It’s clear where things went wrong, but the global impact is immeasurably shitty.

Harmony

How do all of these things above work together?  Bread.  The fucking bread.

Overall rating

This was a bad burger that is not always a bad burger. It’s the DUI you got in college before you became a real upstanding adult.  I’ve had this burger before and it was so goddamn good.  Not this time.  There’s a lot of good shit to get at SAM A.M Bergen-Lafayette, and if you want to keep it safe go with those.  Unfortunately, this was a total missed opportunity – as much as some fat anonymous blogger coming into your restaurant and eating your burger as part of a grand burger judging can be described as an “opportunity”.  I love this place and selfishly want to promote its success and suction.  I was primed to do that. Regrettably, their biggest issue is also their most common one – consistency.  And not having buns.

1.1 OUT OF 5

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