Best Things: Burgers – Latham House

Latham House opened in the old location of whatever the fuck that place was called – it wasn’t worth remembering.  While they do have big brunch hype, I can’t say they’ve got a bunch of burger hype behind them. Actually, I’m pretty sure that one asshole in the comments told me to go here for a burger and I added it to the list.  I was also once described as a “highly impressionable young boy”.

Latham House has really good food. I know this, in part, because many of my followers will DM me their food porn from Latham House before being physically rolled out onto Marin Blvd like a half-keg full of sausage gravy. I also know this because upon eating this burger at brunch, I longed for literally any other plate in this restaurant.

Not to bury the lead here, but holy shit this burger was bad.  I want to make sure you, dear reader, do not misconstrue this as a general rating on Latham House as a whole. It’s not.  Just like how my Not A Review of Pet Shop was, in fact, not a review of Pet Shop.

My only non-burger critique here is how fucking absurd these mimosa glasses are.  All I’m thinking about when I drink these is WHERE IS THE REST OF MY MIMOSA.

The human brain doesn’t do a great job of comprehending volume.  For instance, two cans this of wine is equivalent to an entire bottle AND the reason I blacked out at All About Downtown Festival two years ago.   So while this MAY be the same amount that I’d get in a normal flute, my brain CANT see it that way.  And I know you don’t want to over pour, but I’m paying $9 for OJ and Andre, I’m supposed to be getting a beefy pour.

Anyways, I went here for brunch and ordered the burger. This is not the same burger you may see on the dinner menu.  There’s no bacon on this.  There’s no fun stuff.  This is the Franciscan monk of burgers.  The burger is practically self-flagellating just for having cheese, which Pope Leo XIII described as “ostentatious”.

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Patty  

Patty type.  Single patty extra thiccc.  Black Angus.  Brisket/chuck blend.  Lots of iron, not much fat. 

Is it cooked well?  Cooked perfectly medium rare.  When I say perfectly, I mean a little more towards the rare side, which is MY perfect.  Given how lean the burger is, you’re better off going med-rare or under. 

Is it seasoned?  The lack of seasoning on this burger is appalling.  No salt. Fucking brunch cooks.

Does the size or amount make sense? Nope. Ill formed patty.  Too big.  The thing snapped under its own weight like a sinking Titanic.  Give me a slightly smaller burger that physics will allow me to bite, for marginally less money. This thing was also wildly uneven, almost ovular.  This is a total fucking noob move, and is easily fixable.  Add this technique to your grill game to prevent misshapped burgers and prepare for your neighbors to give you some unsolicited meat worship.

Bun

Bun type.  It’s a roll or some sort.  I would call this a boring bun.

Toasted?  Only where you don’t need it.  This bun is bizzarely grilled on the outside and untoasted on the inside. I can’t help but staring at this thing like shitty art.  Is this commentary on the modern food industry?  What is the chef trying to say?  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN????  I want a satirical burger about as much as I want Dengue Fever.

Is it dry?  Yeah.  This bun is not great.  I don’t want to contradict Sir Mix-a-Lot, but the inverse of his thesis may be correct: less bun may make me want one.

Cheese 

Cheese type. White American.  It not being yellow takes the fun out of it…and the food coloring.

Is the cheese melted? Yes.

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Toppings 

What type of shit are they putting on it?  Well, first, it’s topped with this gigantic toupee of Romaine. Several slices of tomatoes, which were a nice appetizer.  No condiments except for ketchup, which may have been for the fries, I don’t know. If it ended there this may have wound up being a sub-1-star review.  However.  They have these pickled onions that are so goddamn good.  I used them all – and the brine – to try and get some fucking flavor into this hunk of shit.

How much shit are they putting on it?  So much of the things you don’t need.  So little of everything you do.

Does all this shit add to the burger?  No.  Clearly not.

Harmony

How do all of these things above work together?  This is really the nail in the coffin of this burger.  All of the things you use to gussy up a shit burger we’re left in the pantry and instead they used more shit to decorate the existing shit, just making the whole thing exponentially shittier.  Shit.  Except those onions.

Overall rating

This is a bad burger.  It’s also SIXTEEN FUCKING DOLLARS. I wish I could write that last sentence in Comic Sans.  Please, never, ever ever ever ever ever order this thing.  It’s almost unacceptable to have it on the menu in its current state.

If I can speak directly to Latham House for a moment.

Hi…soo…this is kinda awkward, but as you may have gathered from the last 1000 words, your burger kinda sucks.  You make good food, and burgers aren’t rocket science.  You can make this thing better.  It’s not enough to just throw something on your menu – it should be there for a reason.  That reason should also not be to trick picky eaters into dropping Smoked Salmon Benedict money on a brunch burger.  You can do so much better.

Love ya.

1.6 OUT OF 5

 

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